The Love and Respect Devotional

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your words reveal your heart.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.