The Love and Respect Devotional

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.