Love & Respect in the Family
The secret to parenting success is out! Psychological studies affirm what the Bible has always said: children need the love that God tells us to give them (Titus 2:4). And parents desire the respect that Scripture plainly says is our due (Exodus 20:12). Love & Respect in the Family gives practical guidance to help break the Crazy Cycle of family conflict and replace it with a healthy, energizing rhythm.
What You Will Learn
- See love and respect as basic family needs
- Stop the Family Crazy Cycle of conflict
- Parent in six biblical ways that energize your children
- Discipline defiance and overlook childishness
- Be the mature one since parenting is for adults only
- Work as a team, according to the gender of the children
- Become a loving parent in God's eyes, regardless of a child's response
The secret to parenting success is out!
Based on what the Bible says to parents on parenting, this book focuses on achieving healthy family dynamics. Dr. Eggerichs offers unprecedented transparency by including input from his wife and three adult children, who share wisdom gained from the good, the bad, and the ugly of their family life. It's all here in this eye-opening exploration of the biblical principles on parenting that can help make families function as God intended.
Unlocking the Family Crazy Cycle
When frustrated with an unresponsive child, a parent doesn’t declare, “You don’t love me.” Instead, the parent asserts, “You are being disrespectful right now.” A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts. When upset a child does not whine, “You don’t respect me.” Instead, a child pouts, “You don’t love me.” A child needs to feel loved, especially during disputes. But here’s the rub: An unloved child or teen negatively reacts in a way that feels disrespectful to a parent. A disrespected parent negatively reacts in a way that feels unloving to the child. This dynamic gives birth to the FAMILY CRAZY CYCLE.
Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of male-female relationships. Based on over three decades of pastoring, counseling and study of biblical and scientific research, Dr. Eggerichs and his wife Sarah developed the Love and Respect Conference which they present to live audiences around the country.About Love & Respect
Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.
When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.
God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.
No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.
The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.
There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.
The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).
You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.
God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.
There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.
Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.
Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.
A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.
To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.
Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.
Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.
A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.
In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.
It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.
We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.
No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.
Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.
There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.
When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.
Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.
He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.
[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?
Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.
When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.
Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.
Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?
Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.
It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.
Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?
When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.
Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.
Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?
Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.
When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.
Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.
Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).
Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?
Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.
Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.
Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.
To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.
Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.
Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.
The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)
Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.
When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.
You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!
Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.
A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.
No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.
“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.
Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.
Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).
Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.
[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.
You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.
With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.
When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.
The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.
I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.
“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”
Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.
Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.
Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.
The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.
When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.
Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.
Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.
A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.
God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.
Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)
the heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.
Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!
We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.
Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.
Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.
Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?
Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.
Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.
Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.
When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.
Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.
Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.
“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“
Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).
Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.
It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.
If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.
Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.
Negative actions rarely produce positive results.
Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.
The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.
As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!
Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires