Love & Respect in the Family

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.