The Love & Respect Experience (Audiobook)

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.