Before You Hit Send

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

the heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.