Love & Respect Book
Touted by leaders as a "classic" among marriage books, New York Times bestseller Love & Respect has sold over 2.2 million copies! Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.
What You Will Learn
- Break the Crazy Cycle, build a stronger relationship.
- Discover the key to breaking destructive cycles of communication and conflict.
- Learn to embrace the Energizing Cycle, mutual love and respect.
- Gain insights into the different needs and communication styles of men and women.
- Explore the power of unconditional love and respect to transform your marriage.
- Uncover the biblical foundations and wisdom for building a strong and lasting marital bond.
- Develop tools to navigate common challenges and maintain a thriving, love-filled relationship.
Love & Respect
In Love & Respect, author Dr. Emerson Eggerichs introduces the concept of the Crazy Cycle, a negative communication pattern that can occur in marriages. When one partner responds in a way that feels disrespectful to the other partner, it can trigger a negative reaction, causing the cycle to continue. Learn how to break the cycle and build a stronger relationship.
To break the Crazy Cycle, Dr. Eggerichs suggests that couples need to recognize and address the underlying needs for love and respect in both partners. By showing love and respect to one another, couples can create a positive cycle of interaction and strengthen their relationship. You will learn practical tips and exercises to cultivate this positive cycle.
Through the Crazy Cycle, Love & Respect offers valuable insights into the ways that negative communication patterns can impact a marriage. By understanding and addressing these patterns, couples can build a stronger and more loving relationship.
In Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs presents an alternative to the Crazy Cycle: the Energizing Cycle. This positive communication pattern starts with the wife showing respect to her husband, which makes him feel respected. In turn, the husband shows love to his wife, which makes her feel loved. This creates a positive feedback loop where both partners feel loved and respected.
By consistently showing appreciation, affection, and empathy, couples can cultivate the Energizing Cycle and build a strong and healthy relationship. Love and respect are two essential needs for both partners in a marriage, and meeting these needs can lead to greater intimacy, connection, and satisfaction in the relationship.
The Energizing Cycle offers a practical and effective way for couples to break negative communication patterns and build a more positive and fulfilling relationship. By intentionally showing love and respect to one another, couples can strengthen their bond and experience greater happiness and fulfillment in their marriage.
In Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs introduces the concept of the Rewarded Cycle, where the husband demonstrates love regardless of her respect and the wife demonstrates respect regardless of his love.
But what if your husband doesn't show you love when you show him respect? What if your wife doesn't show you respect as you show her love? If you get no results from practicing Love & Respect, why bother?
The Rewarded Cycle gives you the answers to these questions. In a real sense, the Rewarded Cycle is the most important part in this book as we are called to love and respect are spouse unconditionally, unto the Lord.
The C.O.U.P.L.E. acronym stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty, and Esteem. This is how a husband shows love to his wife.
Each element of the C.O.U.P.L.E. acronym represents a key aspect of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. By working to develop these qualities in their marriage, couples can build a stronger and more loving relationship.
In these six areas you will learn how to spell "love" to your wife.
The C.H.A.I.R.S. acronym presented in this book gives you practical, biblical ways that will help you become more respectful women. Wives do not need a lot of coaching on being loving. It is something God built into them, and they do it naturally. However, they do need help with respect.
Providing more energy for your marriage is exactly what the C.H.A.I.R.S. acronym is all about. C.H.A.I.R.S stands for the six major values that your husband holds: Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality.
In these six area you will learn how to spell "respect" to your husband.
A Simple Message
A wife has one driving need - to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need - to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn't met, things get crazy.
A Message That Works
Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the Love and Respect message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, think about, and treat each other. What do you want for your marriage? Want some peace? Want to feel close? Want to feel valued? Want to experience marriage the way God intended? Then why not try some Love and Respect.
Discover Why over 3 Million Couples, Churches, and Small Groups Trust Love & Respect!
My husband and I just attended your conference…, which we greatly enjoyed. Today is also our precious daughter [s]… birthday and I wanted you to know that she would not be here if not for God’s intervention in our lives through your Love and Respect book 9 years ago which saved our marriage...
Dear Emerson, Wow! After 16 years, 3 kids, I feel like I should have done a marriage refresher years ago and not waited until a crisis.
I learned things in your book that no one else (in books I had read) had ever explained. For instance – the shoulder to shoulder concept – about how men don’t really need to have a lot of conversation to enjoy time with their wives. How nice to know that. I have decided that I am going to give your book for wedding gifts.
Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of male-female relationships. Based on over three decades of pastoring, counseling and study of biblical and scientific research, Dr. Eggerichs and his wife Sarah developed the Love and Respect Conference which they present to live audiences around the country.About Love & Respect
Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.
Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?
His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.
In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.
Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.
Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.
We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.
Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.
You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.
You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.
Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)
Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.
Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?
Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.
She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.
When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.
Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.
Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.
If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.
The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.
Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.
I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?
You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.
Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.
Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.
Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?
Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.
Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).
God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.
The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.
Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.
A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.
Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.
Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.
Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.
A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.
A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.
Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.
Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?
Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.
Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)
Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.
Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.
Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.
Your words reveal your heart.
To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.
We are equal but we are not the same.
Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.
Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.
We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.
Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.
Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.
Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.
Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.
You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.
Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.
If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.
When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.
Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.
I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.
When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.
You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.
Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.
Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.
Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.
Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.
[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.
Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)
When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.
Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.
The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.
When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.
Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.
Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.
Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.
There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.
God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.
Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires
When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.
The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.
“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”
No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.
“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“
A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.
At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!
We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.
A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.
As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.
When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.
We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.
When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.
Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.
To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.
When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.
Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?
When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.
Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.
Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.
Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.