“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”
The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.
When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.
Before hitting send, ask yourself, Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?
Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.
Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.
There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.
Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.
When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?
We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.
Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.
the heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.
A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.
Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.
Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.
When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.
The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.
Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.
When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.
Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)
I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?
We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.
A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.
The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.
There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.
We are worth Jesus to the Father.
Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.
One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.
When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.
Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?
God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.
Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.
We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.
God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.
Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.
Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.
Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.
When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.
When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.
You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.
Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.
Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.
We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.
Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.
You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.
The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.
Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.
Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.
You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.
Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.
Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.
In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.
The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.
His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.
He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.
He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.
Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.
She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.
Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.
As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!
You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”
Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.
In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)
Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.
When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.
We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.
When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.
A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.
Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!
If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.
God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.
The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.
Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.
Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.
The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)
When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.
You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.
If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.
We are equal but we are not the same.
Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.
It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.
When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.
We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.
There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.
You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.
You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.
Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.
You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.
Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.
Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.
Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.
We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.
Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.
Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.
Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.
A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.
We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”
Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?
Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?
Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.