The Language of Love & Respect (Audiobook)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.