The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.