The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your words reveal your heart.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.