The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Your words reveal your heart.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.