The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.