The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

We are equal but we are not the same.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.