The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.