The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your words reveal your heart.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.