The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.