The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Your words reveal your heart.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.