The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)