The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”