The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your words reveal your heart.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.