The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

God is good and wants what is best for us.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your words reveal your heart.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”