The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your words reveal your heart.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

God is good and wants what is best for us.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.