The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your words reveal your heart.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”