The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your words reveal your heart.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.