The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your words reveal your heart.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.