The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We are equal but we are not the same.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.