The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We are equal but we are not the same.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.