The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We are equal but we are not the same.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.