The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We are equal but we are not the same.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)