Building Blocks DVD Study - Couple's Kit

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.