Mother & Son Course Workbook (Download)

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”