Mother & Son Course Workbook (Download)

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Your words reveal your heart.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson