Mother & Son Course Workbook (Download)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your words reveal your heart.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

We are equal but we are not the same.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.