The Language of Love & Respect

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

the heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.