Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.