Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)
This is a digital download of the Leader's Guide for the Respectfully Yours study, whether the DVD or online version. PLEASE NOTE: This is the same Leader’s Guide that is contained in the Respectfully Yours Leader Kit. It is only for those who already have the Kit, but need another Leader’s Guide for a co-leader, or have lost their Leader’s Guide. YOU CANNOT USE THIS GUIDE WITHOUT THE DVDs SOLD ONLY IN THE LEADER KIT. This purchase is for single-use license - Order as many as you will need.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs delves into the realm of male-female communication, shedding light on the profound understanding that we are not inherently wrong, but rather beautifully distinct. Drawing from the truth that we are both made in the image of God, he emphasizes the notion of equality within our differences. God intentionally crafted men and women to be equal yet unique. Within the intricate tapestry of relationships, both genders yearn for love and respect. However, during times of conflict, Emerson reveals a crucial insight: men's deepest need is rooted in the desire for respect, while women's deepest need finds its foundation in the longing for love. By embracing this understanding, we can navigate the intricacies of communication and foster a deeper sense of connection and harmony in our relationships.
"The Crazy Cycle" is a profound concept introduced by Emerson Eggerichs that unveils a common pattern in relationships where love and respect are lacking. It illustrates the dynamic that when a woman feels unloved, she often responds without showing respect to her partner, and vice versa. This creates a continuous cycle of negative reactions that further perpetuates the conflict. In his teachings, Emerson provides valuable insights on understanding the dynamics of the Crazy Cycle—what it entails, how it arises, and, most importantly, how to break free from its destructive loop. He challenges individuals to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit, emphasizing its transformative power in halting the Crazy Cycle and fostering healthier interactions. By embracing this approach, couples can find a path towards resolving conflicts, building mutual respect, and nurturing a more loving and harmonious relationship.
At the core of our faith lies the understanding that God is a loving Father, whose commands are not intended to inflict harm upon us, but rather to guide and protect us. As a good and trustworthy God, His instructions are given with our best interests in mind. It is through this lens that we can approach His commandments, knowing that they are not burdensome impositions, but rather pathways to abundant life. In seeking a deeper revelation of God as our heavenly Father, we open ourselves up to a transformative understanding of His character and intentions towards us. As we come to know Him more intimately, we realize that His heart desires what is truly best for us. This revelation instills within us a deep trust, enabling us to surrender our worries and concerns, knowing that He will faithfully take care of us. With this newfound understanding and trust, we can embrace a life filled with hope, security, and the assurance that our heavenly Father is always working for our good.
When we place our faith in Jesus Christ, a remarkable transformation takes place within us. We are no longer defined by our past or our shortcomings, but rather we become a new creation, intimately connected to God's Kingdom. In this newfound identity, we discover that we are royalty, heirs to the promises and blessings of God. This realization goes beyond the assurance of eternal fellowship with God and the hope of entering heaven, although those are significant blessings in themselves. We also gain a new sense of identity, recognizing our inherent worth and value in the eyes of God.
With this understanding, we are empowered to embrace our true identity as women of dignity. As we recognize our worth to God, we can extend that same unconditional respect to our husbands. It is through this lens that we can honor and value our spouses, seeing them as fellow creations of God and treating them with the dignity and respect they deserve. This shift in perspective allows us to engage in relationships with a newfound grace and humility, fostering an atmosphere of love, respect, and mutual honor.
Getting in tune with our thoughts enables us to take them captive in obedience to Christ, renewing our minds as we focus on the Truth in God's Word. Through this intentional process, we learn how to maintain respect in the midst of unloving actions, dealing with negative thoughts that lead to negative feelings, and replacing them with the power of Scripture. As we immerse ourselves in God's Word, our minds are transformed, aligning our attitudes and actions with the character of Christ. This journey of renewing our minds leads to true freedom, breaking free from the chains of negativity and experiencing the profound liberation, peace, and joy that comes from aligning our thoughts with God's truth in Christ.
Showing respect to your husband is a simple yet powerful endeavor that can significantly impact your relationship. By being friendly, conscious of your facial expressions and tone of voice, and avoiding contempt, you can motivate and inspire your man. Embracing a positive, respectful approach not only changes the atmosphere in your home but also creates a harmonious and loving environment. Through practical examples and behaviors like active listening and affirming his efforts, you can demonstrate respect and make a tangible difference in your relationship. Remember, showing respect does not mean sacrificing your own needs or boundaries but rather recognizing the value and worth of your husband as an equal partner. By nurturing mutual respect and understanding, you can cultivate a relationship built on love and create a home filled with harmony and joy.
The Secret to Power and Influence in Your Marriage!
Ephesians 5:33 holds a timeless truth that has been right in front of us for almost 2000 years: husbands are called to love their wives, while wives are called to respect their husbands. As women across the nation become acquainted with the Love and Respect message, they often seek guidance on understanding and practicing respect in their marriages. Respectfully Yours provides the answers they are looking for and so much more. Within its pages, we uncover the secret to cultivating power and influence in your marriage.
Transform Your Marriage with Respectfully Yours
This journey entails distinguishing Biblical respect from being a doormat, breaking free from negative thought patterns, embracing the transformative truth that differences don't mean being wrong, but simply being different, and learning practical yet impactful ways to apply respect in everyday interactions. By doing marriage God's way and following the principles outlined in Respectfully Yours, you can reap eternal rewards and experience a profound transformation in your relationship. Explore our Respectfully Yours Study Guide, available in a 10 Pack, along with the additional Leaders Guide for comprehensive support and guidance.
Read What Others Are Saying About Respectfully Yours!
I have been elevated to a place in my home that I used to fight for... not a doormat, but a welcome mat to the power of God in my marriage!
This study is excellent. Five reasons why I would recommended it to other ladies.1. Scripturally sound. 2. Helps improve our relationship with God. 3. Looks at marriage from a different perspective. 4. Brings life, vision, encouragement and solutions. 5. If I had taken this course many years ago, I would not have been involved in a divorce.
Personally, God has laid on my heart to do what I can to attract every woman in our church to accept the invitation to attend Respectfully Yours.
Why Hasn't Anyone told me this before?
...It was clear after a few classes that I had a crisis in faith not a crisis in my marriage.
I learned that this teaching didn’t feed his ego, but actually humbled him and caused him to want to connect and talk.
This freed me to realize I was meeting a need that he had equal to my need for love.
Respectfully Yours was exceedingly helpful for me in my marriage! Understanding ‘the crazy cycle’ has made a huge difference for both me and my husband. I highly recommend the study for its practical use and application.
This Respectfully Yours Kit has helped fine tune more of what women need to know when it comes to staying the course with a disobedient husband...I am forever changed and am praising God for this change.
The Respectfully Yours study was amazing! I am so thankful for the teaching and YES it has helped me!
I think Respectfully Yours is the BEST study a married woman can take! Being in marriage ministry, I have read and studied many books, but Respectfully Yours is the most powerful in truly transforming a marriage.
My marriage is in the process of being restored with every act of respect I perform. I am now able to lead the way in my relationship with a man I had lost all respect for.
You have empowered me to do better to follow God’s desire for my marriage. You have also given me a new hope and encouragement. It has been a blessed time for me, Thank you.
I am a newlywed and I feel now that I am well-equipped to love my husband better through respect.
Thank you for the shoulder to shoulder suggestion. I am going to take up golf with the clubs my husband bought for me 10 years ago. You are a blessing!
You’ve given me the tools to have confidence and through Christ all things are possible. I can take that home and be respectful toward my mother and to lay the foundation so that someday my mom will also know Christ.
I came reluctant to give my husband the respect that I know I am biblically commanded to do. Praise God…I learned some valuable insights and tools to turn that around. And, I know that I am not alone!
I am newly married and this is what I needed to hear to help my groom and me make some early course corrections (especially me!).
My prayer is for every woman young and old to put their hope and trust in the Lord and do this study and experience the power of God in her life and marriage. God bless every one of you at Love and Respect and every study group leader as you spread the message.
The ladies are challenged and have been responding. I am excited to continue on and see what God is going to do in the hearts and marriages of these ladies! Thank You.
Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of male-female relationships. Based on over three decades of pastoring, counseling and study of biblical and scientific research, Dr. Eggerichs and his wife Sarah developed the Love and Respect Conference which they present to live audiences around the country.About Love & Respect
When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.
With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.
Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.
So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”
Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.
You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.
When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.
Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?
Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.
You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.
Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)
Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.
Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.
God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.
Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.
When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.
Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.
Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.
You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.
Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?
The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.
Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.
Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.
Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.
When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.
A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.
When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.
Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.
Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.
If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.
He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.
If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.
“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.
Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.
Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.
We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”
Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)
Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.
We are equal but we are not the same.
Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!
When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.
Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.
Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.
She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.
I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?
It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.
God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.
You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”
“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.
Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.
Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.
Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.
The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)
Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?
Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.
To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.
No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.
If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.
When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.
It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.
Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.
God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.
It is hard to be negative while being thankful.
Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.
We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.
When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.
I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.
Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.
When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.
When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?
There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.
Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.
When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.
No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.
Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.
In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.
Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.
Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.
Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.
Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?
God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!
the heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.
Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.
God is good and wants what is best for us.
You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.
[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.
When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.
Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.
Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.
You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.
You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.
If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.
Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.
To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.
Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.
It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.
We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.
We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.
At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!
You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.