Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.