Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We are equal but we are not the same.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.