Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)