Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.