Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your words reveal your heart.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.