Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.