Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your words reveal your heart.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.