Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide (Download)

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your words reveal your heart.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.