The Illumination Project Journal (10 Pack)

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your words reveal your heart.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We are equal but we are not the same.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.