The Illumination Project Journal (10 Pack)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.