The Illumination Project Journal (10 Pack)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your words reveal your heart.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.