The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.