The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your words reveal your heart.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.