The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!