The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.