The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your words reveal your heart.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.