The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.