The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)