The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.