The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.