The Illumination Project

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your words reveal your heart.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”