The Illumination Project

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.