The Illumination Project

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We are equal but we are not the same.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.