The Illumination Project

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Your words reveal your heart.