The Illumination Project

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.