The Illumination Project

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.