The Illumination Project

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.