The Illumination Project

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your words reveal your heart.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.