The Illumination Project

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Your words reveal your heart.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.