The Illumination Project

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your words reveal your heart.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.