The Illumination Project

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We are equal but we are not the same.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.