The Illumination Project

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.