The Illumination Project

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your words reveal your heart.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.