Love & Respect Conference and 10 Week - Small Group Kit

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We are equal but we are not the same.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.