The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.