The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your words reveal your heart.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.