The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your words reveal your heart.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!