Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”