Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your words reveal your heart.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Before hitting send, ask yourself, Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?