Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your words reveal your heart.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.