Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.