Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.