Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.