Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.