Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.