Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.