Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.