Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Your words reveal your heart.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.