Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.