Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your words reveal your heart.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.