Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.