Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We are equal but we are not the same.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.