14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)