14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.