14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?