14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your words reveal your heart.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.