14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.