14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your words reveal your heart.