Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).