Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your words reveal your heart.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We are equal but we are not the same.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.