Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Your words reveal your heart.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.