Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your words reveal your heart.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.