Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We are equal but we are not the same.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“