Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

Your words reveal your heart.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.