Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!