Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.