Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.