Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We are equal but we are not the same.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.