Love & Respect in the Family (Audiobook)

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We are equal but we are not the same.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.