Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your words reveal your heart.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.