Building Blocks Study Guide

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your words reveal your heart.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

the heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We are equal but we are not the same.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.