Building Blocks Study Guide

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your words reveal your heart.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.