Building Blocks Study Guide

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.