Love and Respect Husband + Logo Mug

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your words reveal your heart.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”