Husband & Wife Mug Set and Coaster

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)