Husband & Wife Mug Set and Coaster

We are equal but we are not the same.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.