Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your words reveal your heart.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.