Building Blocks Workbook (Download)

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”