Building Blocks Workbook (Download)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your words reveal your heart.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.