The 4 Wills of God

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.