Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.