The Love and Respect Devotional

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.