Motivating Your Man God's Way: Discover One Word that Energizes Him to Love

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.