Motivating Your Man God's Way: Discover One Word that Energizes Him to Love

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”