Motivating Your Man God's Way: Discover One Word that Energizes Him to Love

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We are equal but we are not the same.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your words reveal your heart.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.