Motivating Your Man God's Way: Discover One Word that Energizes Him to Love

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We are equal but we are not the same.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.