The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Your words reveal your heart.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.