The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.