Love & Respect Workbook
Today you and your spouse can start fresh with the dynamic guidance Dr. Eggerichs provides in this interactive guide that accompanies the Love & Respect book. It's for anyone... those in marital crisis, the happily married, engaged couples, pastors and counselors seeking material that can save a marriage, and small groups.
What You Will Learn
- Break the Crazy Cycle, build a stronger relationship.
- Discover the key to breaking destructive cycles of communication and conflict.
- Learn to embrace the Energizing Cycle, mutual love and respect.
- Gain insights into the different needs and communication styles of men and women.
- Explore the power of unconditional love and respect to transform your marriage.
- Uncover the biblical foundations and wisdom for building a strong and lasting marital bond.
- Develop tools to navigate common challenges and maintain a thriving, love-filled relationship.
Love & Respect
In Love & Respect, author Dr. Emerson Eggerichs introduces the concept of the Crazy Cycle, a negative communication pattern that can occur in marriages. When one partner responds in a way that feels disrespectful to the other partner, it can trigger a negative reaction, causing the cycle to continue. Learn how to break the cycle and build a stronger relationship.
To break the Crazy Cycle, Dr. Eggerichs suggests that couples need to recognize and address the underlying needs for love and respect in both partners. By showing love and respect to one another, couples can create a positive cycle of interaction and strengthen their relationship. You will learn practical tips and exercises to cultivate this positive cycle.
Through the Crazy Cycle, Love & Respect offers valuable insights into the ways that negative communication patterns can impact a marriage. By understanding and addressing these patterns, couples can build a stronger and more loving relationship.
In Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs presents an alternative to the Crazy Cycle: the Energizing Cycle. This positive communication pattern starts with the wife showing respect to her husband, which makes him feel respected. In turn, the husband shows love to his wife, which makes her feel loved. This creates a positive feedback loop where both partners feel loved and respected.
By consistently showing appreciation, affection, and empathy, couples can cultivate the Energizing Cycle and build a strong and healthy relationship. Love and respect are two essential needs for both partners in a marriage, and meeting these needs can lead to greater intimacy, connection, and satisfaction in the relationship.
The Energizing Cycle offers a practical and effective way for couples to break negative communication patterns and build a more positive and fulfilling relationship. By intentionally showing love and respect to one another, couples can strengthen their bond and experience greater happiness and fulfillment in their marriage.
In Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs introduces the concept of the Rewarded Cycle, where the husband demonstrates love regardless of her respect and the wife demonstrates respect regardless of his love.
But what if your husband doesn't show you love when you show him respect? What if your wife doesn't show you respect as you show her love? If you get no results from practicing Love & Respect, why bother?
The Rewarded Cycle gives you the answers to these questions. In a real sense, the Rewarded Cycle is the most important chapter in this book as we are called to love and respect are spouse unconditionally, unto the Lord.
The C.O.U.P.L.E. acronym stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty, and Esteem. This is how a husband shows love to his wife.
Each element of the C.O.U.P.L.E. acronym represents a key aspect of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. By working to develop these qualities in their marriage, couples can build a stronger and more loving relationship.
In these six areas you will learn how to spell "love" to your wife.
The C.H.A.I.R.S. acronym presented in this book gives you practical, biblical ways that will help you become more respectful women. Wives do not need a lot of coaching on being loving. It is something God built into them, and they do it naturally. However, they do need help with respect.
Providing more energy for your marriage is exactly what the C.H.A.I.R.S. acronym is all about. C.H.A.I.R.S stands for the six major values that your husband holds: Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality.
In these six area you will learn how to spell "respect" to your husband.
A Simple Message
A wife has one driving need - to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need - to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn't met, things get crazy.
Please note: This is for use with the Love & Respect book and not for use with the DVD, which is a recording of the Live Conference.
A Message That Works
Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the Love and Respect message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, think about, and treat each other. What do you want for your marriage? Want some peace? Want to feel close? Want to feel valued? Want to experience marriage the way God intended? Then why not try some Love and Respect.
Discover Why Over 3 Million Couples, Churches, and Small Groups Trust Love & Respect!
My husband and I just attended your conference…, which we greatly enjoyed. Today is also our precious daughter [s]… birthday and I wanted you to know that she would not be here if not for God’s intervention in our lives through your Love and Respect book 9 years ago which saved our marriage...
I learned things in your book that no one else (in books I had read) had ever explained. For instance – the shoulder to shoulder concept – about how men don’t really need to have a lot of conversation to enjoy time with their wives. How nice to know that. I have decided that I am going to give your book for wedding gifts.
Dear Emerson, Wow! After 16 years, 3 kids, I feel like I should have done a marriage refresher years ago and not waited until a crisis.
Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of male-female relationships. Based on over three decades of pastoring, counseling and study of biblical and scientific research, Dr. Eggerichs and his wife Sarah developed the Love and Respect Conference which they present to live audiences around the country.About Love & Respect
We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.
Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.
As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.
[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”
It is hard to be negative while being thankful.
When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.
If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.
[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.
Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.
You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!
I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?
Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.
One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.
If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.
We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.
No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.
Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.
Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.
You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.
We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.
Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.
[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.
When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)
When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.
God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!
When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.
Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.
Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.
We are worth Jesus to the Father.
Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.
You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.
When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.
Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.
She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.
The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)
Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.
Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.
Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?
Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires
Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.
It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.
A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.
I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson
Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.
When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.
God is good and wants what is best for us.
Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.
Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?
The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.
When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.
The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.
Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.
Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.
He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.
Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?
Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.
Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.
Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.
Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.
Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.
No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.
We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.
If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.
We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.
Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.
Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.
How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.
Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.
Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.
It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.
Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).
When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.
His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.
When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.
Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.
[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?
Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.
Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.
He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.
When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.
Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).
I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.
Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)
Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.
Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.
As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.
We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.
Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).
Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.
A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.
Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)
There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.
Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?
In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.
With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.
The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.
You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.
The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.
Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?
Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.