The Language of Love & Respect

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

God is good and wants what is best for us.