The Language of Love & Respect

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your words reveal your heart.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.