The Language of Love & Respect

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We are equal but we are not the same.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.