The Language of Love & Respect

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We are equal but we are not the same.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.