The Language of Love & Respect

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your words reveal your heart.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.