The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We are equal but we are not the same.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your words reveal your heart.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.