The Illumination Project Journal (10 Pack)

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your words reveal your heart.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.