The Illumination Project Journal (10 Pack)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.