The Illumination Project Journal (10 Pack)

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.