Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.