Building Blocks Study Guide

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Your words reveal your heart.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!