Building Blocks Study Guide

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Your words reveal your heart.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.