Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.