Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Your words reveal your heart.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.