Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your words reveal your heart.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.