Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.