Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your words reveal your heart.