Love & Respect in the Family

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Your words reveal your heart.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.