Love & Respect Book

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.