Love & Respect Book

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your words reveal your heart.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.