Three Ways To Murder Your Marriage, Part 2 [Video]
In Part 1, we began a discussion about the three ways one might go about for sabotaging, and ultimately killing their marriage: motive, means and opportunity. We left the conversation with a question: In the event there is no adultery or desertion, can a person divorce for another reason?
The Apostle Paul addresses this based on the words of Jesus. Paul allows the innocent party to physically separate, but not divorce.
In 1 Corinthians 7:10,11 he writes,
"But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.”
By the way, women had the power to divorce. Contrary to today’s popular belief that women were powerless victims in Bible times, Jesus contradicts this when He declares in Mark 10:12,
"If she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”
Our Lord instructs such a wife that, in God’s eyes, she could not divorce although the law of the land sanctioned her divorce. Paul, who also recognized a woman’s right to divorce, applies what Jesus says by giving a wife permission to physically separate, but to remain unmarried or seek reconciliation. Remarriage was not an option, lest she commit adultery as Jesus said in Mark’s gospel and to which Paul refers.
Sadly, some murder their marriage by divorcing legally and then remarrying, when in the eyes of God they were only permitted to remain unmarried. They use the law of the land as their means.
So how do these people trick the outsiders if there is no biblically orthodox justification for ending the marriage?
As for our tricky wife, hidden from all, her motive was romantic and sexual. She wanted a relationship with another man, but no one knew this. Publicly, she claimed that her husband betrayed their romantic and sexual relationship, but the weighty facts were against her.
In the eyes of God the scale tipped heavily in her disfavor. Jesus said in Matthew 23:23,24,
"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others. You blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!”
In other words, her husband committed a sin the size of gnat, while she suppressed her sin the size of a camel!
She fixated on his one-night stand, while ignoring God’s call on her life to live justly, mercifully and faithfully.
She accused her husband of that which she was far more guilty!
This is a great trick when murdering a marriage--whatever you do wrong, accuse your spouse of this and worse, but work really hard at persuading yourself that you are fully justified for your actions while your spouse is not.
These words of our Lord should have sobered this tricky gal,
"Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye” (Matthew 7:3-5).
Instead, she proceeded headlong over the cliff. She knew that she would have the financial means to move forward with the divorce because of the division of the assets with her husband. She also knew that with a "no-fault divorce," there would be no legal hassles. To top it off she had the support of her church leadership.
She was able to tout the "irreconcilable differences" assessment by castigating her husband as unfaithful and making reconciliation an impossibility, in spite of what he said about his desire to reconcile.
Knowing full well that the majority of women would buy her claim, she jumped out in front of this with a PR campaign saying, “He will tell you that he wants to reconcile, but I lived with him. He was abusive. He abused me emotionally and verbally."
Ironically, however, she rationalized her own verbal, emotional, sexual and spiritual abuse of her husband.
Verbal abuse? She lied about him.
Emotional abuse? She shunned him emotionally, not to suggest humiliated him in front of family and friends.
Sexual abuse? She deprived him sexually.
Spiritual abuse? She subjected him to Satanic attack and the unjust accusation of the elders.
How did she rationalize this?
She was the "weaker vessel" and could never really be an abuser. She was a woman and women do not abuse, not really; they are too sensitive.
In her favor, she had some facts. She painted the scene that she was vulnerable to his periodic emotional outbursts. Indeed there were moments on the heels of her sexual deprivation and his sense that she was deceiving him that he got really, really mad.
Besides that, once a month for years she’d explode with anger so volatile it could awaken someone from a coma. But again, in her case it was a chemical imbalance whereas her husband was mean. True?
I am not letting abusers off the hook and failing to empathize with the abused. In my case, my dad verbally abused my mother and physically abused her by trying to strangle her. (You can watch my story here.) As a result of my own experience, I am a wounded healer.
My point is to make sure that real abuse is dealt with. My burden is that those who falsely claim abuse end up discrediting those who are truly abused.
Anyone who is truly abused knows what I am talking about and agrees. Those who have truly suffered look around and see people hijacking the word “abuse” and minimizing their own experience after the liar is exposed. In fact, many women get a “free pass” by simply uttering the word. People then jump on the lie saying, “See, much of this abuse stuff is all a fabrication.”
Those who co-opt abuse hurt the truly abused--they add insult to injury to those in pain.
After the facts surfaced, our tricky wife harmed the truly abused by cloaking herself in their garb and casting a shadow of doubt on them.
I am not letting men off the hook on this topic, either. Malachi hits the husband head on by saying,
“The LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant” (Malachi 2:14).
In other words, this husband acted as a trickster.
So, what are the three ways to murder a marriage? Read Part 3, where I’ll dig deeper into one’s means, motive and opportunity for the crime.