If My Self-Love Is Healthy, Then I Will Display Such Love Toward Others: An Assessment

In Galatians 5:14, Paul wrote, “For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” If that were not enough reason to pay special attention to the command to love others as ourselves, Jesus emphasized it, too, in Matthew 22 when He said that the entire Law depends on the commands to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind,” as well as to “love your neighbor as yourself” (vv. 37-38). 

As both Jesus and Paul said, these words fulfill the whole law. This is a big deal! And while there is, of course, good reason to emphasize the command here to love others, let us not pass over the closing two words in this command—“. . . as yourself.” These scriptures reveal and remind us that there is a profound connection between self-love and the love we show others. In order to love others, we must first love ourselves. 

That raises the question: Is self-esteem foundational? Yes and no. Healthy self-esteem is a means to an end, not an end. There are many people who love themselves, but they are what Scripture calls “lovers of self” (2 Timothy 3:2). This is a self-centered, selfish love of self. In effect, the “lover of self” declares, “Look at me. It is all about me!” Their self-love is never directed toward others but ends with themselves. This is unhealthy self-esteem. 

On the other hand, the biblical command for self-love—“love your neighbor as yourself”—exists for the reason of loving others well. We love ourselves in a healthy manner so that we may love others as God has commanded. Those with a healthy self-esteem treat others as they treat themselves. Put another way, how we treat ourselves provides insight into how we are to treat others. 

With this in mind, I have provided here a brief self-assessment to help determine whether you have a healthy self-esteem. Are you curious to know how you are doing? I strongly encourage you to take a few moments to honestly answer the below assessment questions regarding the love you show toward others simply because it is also the way you wish to be loved as well. 

A. How Well Do You Love Others Regarding Your Differences?

1. Acceptance of temperament: Just as I expect others to accept my differing temperament, so I accept the unique and differing God-given dispositions of those around me.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

2. Respectful communication: Just as I need to be talked to respectfully when addressing differences, so I communicate respectfully with others when addressing disagreements.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

3. Benefit of the doubt: Just as I expect others to give me the benefit of the doubt during conflicts, so I give others the benefit of the doubt.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

B. How Well Do You Love Others Regarding Their individuality?

‍1. Honoring boundaries: Just as I need others to honor my space and boundaries, so I respect the boundaries and personal space of others.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

‍2. Focusing on strengths: Just as I have strengths that should be acknowledged and utilized, so I recognize and support the strengths of those I interact with.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

3. Celebrating accomplishments: Just as I expect a degree of rejoicing in my achievements, so I share in the joy of others’ accomplishments.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

4. Meaningful friendships: Just as I need and enjoy friendship with others, so I encourage and respect the need for quality connections in others’ lives.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

C. How Well Do You Love Others Regarding Interpersonal Negativity?

1. Hostility and contempt: Just as I expect to be treated without hostility and contempt, so I treat others without hostility and contempt.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

2. Enduring the annoying: Just as I work on enduring irritating people around me, so I show patience and understanding when others deal with annoying individuals.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

3. Complaints and criticism: Just as I do not respond well to chronic complaints and criticisms, so I offer constructive feedback rather than excessive, negative criticism.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

D. How Well Do You Love Others Regarding Their Shortcomings?

1. Patience toward weaknesses: Just as I am imperfect and a work-in-progress and need patient acceptance, so I show patience and support as others work on their own imperfections.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

2. Vulnerabilities and flaws: Just as I am painfully aware of my weaknesses and work on them, though different from others’ weaknesses, so I respect that everyone has their own areas of vulnerability and growth.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

3. Empathy and support: Just as I value when others show empathy and support to me when I have challenges, so I offer empathy and support to those facing their own struggles.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and others would agree.

As we apply Galatians 5:14 and Matthew 22:39, we recognize that our journey toward healthy self-love is not a self-pursuit, but a guide that governs how to love others well. Yes, we are to love ourselves, but we are not to be “lovers of self.” Instead, we are to love ourselves so that we can understand God’s plan for how we are to love others. Another way to put it would be that self-love serves as a light that illuminates us on how to love others. 

In turn, does loving others the way God has commanded not make us feel more self-esteem? Of course, that is not the reason we love others, but this positive cycle eventuates for most of us. We love others the way we want to be loved, then feel more self-esteem because of it, inspiring us to continue loving others even more as we want to be loved. And on and on the love cycle continues. 

Is God’s design not incredible? If you answered “This does not describe me at all” or “This describes me a little” for any of the above questions, I want to challenge you to dare to love others in the way you want to be loved in those ways, though you may not have been doing so very well before. You will not be disappointed when you start riding God’s love cycle.