Post

Do You Negatively React To Motivate Your Spouse To Be More Positive?

Marriage

2

min read

Favorite

Oops! Something went wrong.

Favorite

Do You Negatively React To Motivate Your Spouse To Be More Positive?

Based on Ephesians 5:33, I have suggested two major reactions that happen in marriages:

When a wife feels unloved, she tends to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband.
When a husband feels disrespected, he tends to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife.

Both of these reactions ignite what I call the Crazy Cycle--without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Some couples continuously spin on this cycle.

Why?

As I have observed these couples, I have noticed that each feels unloved or disrespected and reacts in ways that feel unloving and disrespectful.

There is a tit-for-tat mindset.

Why does each negatively react?

To motivate the other person to change!

A wife negatively reacts in ways that appear disrespectful to her husband to motivate him to be more loving.

A husband negatively reacts in ways that appear unloving to his wife to motivate her to be more respectful.

Interestingly both usually have good will, but they choose a method of being negative to motivate the other to be positive, or to at least stop being negative!

Long term we cannot do to others the negative things they do to us if we expect to bring about healthy change in the heart of the other person.

Withholding love and respect does not motivate a spouse to show love and respect.

A mistreated spouse will not run home one day exclaiming, "I finally get why you have been so negative, disrespectful and unloving for these last 8 years! You have tried to provide me with a healthy incentive to be positive, loving and respectful. Thank you! What an epiphany!"

-Dr. E

Emerson Eggerichs, Ph.D.

Author, Speaker, Pastor

Questions to Consider

Why do you keep spinning on the Crazy Cycle?
Do you negatively react to your spouse to motivate him/her to be more positive? How is it working?
Why do you think this will not work in the long term?

Articles You Might Also Like

How do I Deal With My Mother-in-Law?

Q: How do I respect my husband’s relationship with his parents, particularly his mother, when they are a disruptive force in our marriage? I can’t talk to my husband about this because he always sides with them. Dr. E says: First of all, unconditional respect means that you deal with situations respectfully. It does not mean that you agree with everything, or even condone everything. It means that when you confront a situation you disagree with, you do so respectfully.

Marriage

4

min read

How do I Deal With My Mother-in-Law?

Are You Letting Your Feelings Determine the Facts?

Over the years I have encountered a specific tendency that repeatedly reveals itself in many of the emails I receive from wives. Instead of allowing the facts in a situation to influence her feelings on the matter, she allows her feelings to determine what she deems to be the facts. However, she is not seeking to be deceptive, which is why she doesn’t discern what she is doing.

Marriage

8

min read

Are You Letting Your Feelings Determine the Facts?

Do You Both Take Responsibility for the Lack of Love and Respect?

A wife shared with me, “On our way home from vacation yesterday, my husband asked me what I was thinking about and I told him that I was thinking about how I had failed in the area of making him feel respected, to which he replied, ‘Oh no, then that means I have not made you feel loved like I should.’" I can tell you with near certainty, good things happen to a couple when both contend they are the one responsible for the lack of love and respect in the marriage. In the case of this couple, they had learned about the Energizing Cycle based on Ephesians 5:33—a husband’s love motivates a wife’s respect and a wife’s respect motivates a husband’s love.

Marriage

4

min read

Do You Both Take Responsibility for the Lack of Love and Respect?

Is Her Love Feeding His Grumpiness? - Part 5 Grumpy Husbands [Video]

Women respond to a husband’s grumbling and complaining in the way they would want him to respond to their complaints. She wants him to move toward her, ask questions about what she feels, express sorrow when hearing this, apologize for any part he played, and offer to do whatever he can to correct the situation. But among men, there is less talk and less engagement.

Marriage

5

min read

Is Her Love Feeding His Grumpiness? - Part 5 Grumpy Husbands [Video]

No items found.