He Desires to Be First Among Equals, She Desires to Be First in Importance

A husband has a need to be respected by his wife. That is what Paul teaches in Ephesians 5:33. As well, a wife has a need to be honored (respected) by her husband. Peter teaches that in 1 Peter 3:7. 

However, a wife’s need for respect is different from a husband’s need for respect. She wants to be honored as an equal. She wants to be valued as first in importance to him. Whereas he wants to be considered first among equals. He wants to be looked up to as the head. 

No wife is commanded to be the head in her marriage. And, I have never encountered a wife who said to me, "I want to be honored as the head of the marriage.” Interestingly, much of feminism has rejected the model of the wife as head of the husband. That hierarchal structure was unappealing to the feminist. Most women want respect as equals but not as the head. This is why we often hear women complain, “I refuse to be treated like a doormat."

Many wives yearn for their husbands to be the spiritual leader over her and the family. His fulfilling this responsibility is a huge value to her. She wants him to initiate prayer and pray over her. She wants him to seek Christ in humility and share with her what the Lord is telling him to tell her. She argues not against him being the spiritual leader but against his poor spiritual leadership. She isn’t upset with God’s call for him to be the head like Jesus is the head (Ephesians 5:23) but that her husband isn’t acting as the head like Jesus.

In juxtaposition to this, neither have I met a husband who says, “I want my wife to be the spiritual leader over me.” 

Most husbands see themselves as the head of the family, though guarded in how this is expressed in light of feminist attacks to the contrary. We recognize this desire to be the head by the oft-stated complaint of a man, “She wants to wear the pants in the family."

What a man must avoid is to express his expectation to be treated and respected as first among equals but then fail to honor her as first in importance. A wife’s resistance to her husband is more about his failure to honor her as his equal than it is about his expectation that she honor him as the head.

By the way, in every culture, men in general are bigger and taller than the women. Thus, a man feels the responsibility to protect and provide. He feels it is his duty to die for his wife. 

A wife does not want to be the umbrella of protection over her husband. She has no intentions of being the primary provider and protector, on whom he depends. The idea of having a dependent husband is repulsive and frightening to a wife. In marriages where this is the case, the wife questions why he is with her. “Does he love me as much as I love him?” she wonders. She becomes very insecure about his unconditional love. “Will he leave me if I stop making the money?” 

Moving forward, a husband must trust that when his wife confronts, criticizes, and complains, she is not trying to control him but connect with him. She doesn’t want to be his head. She wants to be his equal, and needs him to be her spiritual leader. 

A wife must trust that when her husband withdraws and stonewalls, or gets angrier than he ought, that he isn’t thinking, She needs to be put down and treated like a doormat. Instead, he is reacting defensively to his perception that she disapproves of him and doesn’t like him. 

Every husband does himself a huge favor when he honors his wife’s opinion instead of dismissing it as having no value. It is not necessary that he agree with her every sentiment, only that he not dishonor her opinions. She argues with him not to control him but to feel he values her as his equal.  

Every wife does herself a huge favor when she honors her husband as first among equals, and reminds him that she sees him this way. It is not necessary that she backs down silently in every matter that they do not see eye to eye on, only that she reassures him that she fully supports him as the head but that she hopes he’ll take into account her input. This is important so he doesn’t misinterpret her objections as her way to attempt wearing the pants in the relationship.

He desires to be respected as first among equals. She desires to be respected as first in importance to him. And the most beautiful part of God’s design is that these do not contradict each other! Husband and wife can both fully respect and “submit to one another” (see Ephesians 5:33) in their desires for respect without one feeling dismissed.